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Dealing with Different EgoStates

Overview

What is an Ego-state?
An EgoState may be defined as an organized system of behavior and experience, whose elements are bound together by common principle.

Or

A consistent pattern of feeling and experience directly related to a corresponding consistent pattern of behavior.

Objectives

To Know the Different EgoStates
To Understand Human Behavior
To be able to communicate better
Awareness of EgoStates give more choices in your communication patterns

Why is it of paramount importance to know the Ego-States?

Psychological and Sociological Theories of Human Attitudes and Behavior
Understand people
For excellent communication

Parent Ego-state

Transactional Analysis is one of the most accessible theories of modern psychology. Transactional Analysis was founded by Eric Berne, and the famous 'parent adult child' theory is still being developed today. Transactional Analysis has wide applications in clinical, therapeutic, organizational and personal development, encompassing communications, management, personality, relationships and behavior

Berne also said that each person is made up of three alter EgoStates

Parent
Adult
Child

Parent Ego-state

Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based on messages or lessons learned from parents and other ‘parental’ or authoritarian sources
Shoulds and should nots; oughts and ought nots; always and never
Prejudicial views (not based on logic or facts) on things such as:

a) Religion
  b) Dress
  c) Salespeople
  d) Traditions
e) Work
f) Products
g) Money
h) Raising children/companies

Nurturing views (sympathetic, caring views)
Critical views (fault finding, judgmental, condescending views)

Child Ego-state

Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based on child-like emotions, impulses, feelings we have experienced
Child-like examples:

a) Impulsive
  b) Self-centered
c) Angry
  d) Fearful
  e) Happy
  f) Pleasure seeking
g) Rebellious
  h) Curious
  i) Eager to please

Adult Ego-state

Thoughts, feelings, attitudes, behavioral patterns based on objective analysis of information (data, facts)
Make decisions based on logic, computations, probabilities, etc. (not emotion)

Ego Portraits Overview

People have favorites, preferred EgoStates, depicted by larger circle in a diagram:

Human Interaction Analysis Overview

A transaction = any interaction or communication between 2 people
People send and receive messages out of and into their different EgoStates
How people say something (what others hear?) just as important as what is said
Types of communication, interactions

1. Complementary
2. Crossed
3. Ulterior

Complementary ‘Transaction’

Interactions, responses, actions regarded as appropriate and expected from another person.
Parallel communication arrows, communication continues.

Example 1
#1 What time do you have?
#2 I’ve got 11:15.

Crossed ‘Transaction’

Interactions, responses, actions NOT regarded as appropriate or expected from another person.
Crossed communication arrows, communication breakdown.

Example 1
#1 What time do you have?
#2 There’s a clock on the wall, why don’t you figure it out yourself?

Ulterior ‘Transaction’

Interactions, responses, actions which are different from those explicitly stated.

Example 1
#1 How about coming up to my room and listening to some music?

It’s the Way You Say It!

Placement of the emphasis	What it means
Why don’t I take you to dinner tonight?	I was going to take someone else.
Why don’t I take you to dinner tonight?	Instead of the guy you were going with.
Why don’t I take you to dinner tonight?	I’m trying to find a reason why I shouldn’t take you.
Why don’t I take you to dinner tonight?	Do you have a problem with me?
Why don’t I take you to dinner tonight?	Instead of going on your own.
Why don’t I take you to dinner tonight?	Instead of lunch tomorrow.
Why don’t I take you to dinner tonight?	Not tomorrow night.

Some Selling Implications of Transactional Analysis

Develop an adaptive selling strategy for ‘parent’, ‘adult’, ‘child’ customers
‘Best’ communication exchange for selling?

a) Remember to respond in ‘complementary’ manner
b) Most effective selling involves adult to adult

Strokes, or positive interactions, important

a) Verbal (e.g. hello, compliment)
b) Touch (handshake, pat on back)
c) A gift
d) Listening

Dealing with Difficult Customers

Keep ‘adult’ EgoState in control of yourself.
Don’t get defensive, argumentative, emotional.
Don’t take it personally.
Move cautiously, stay cool, remember complementary transactions and strokes.
Do not need to take continued abuse.
If handled well (e.g. didn’t embarrass customer, allowed them to take something out on you), can turn out to be positive later.

Being ‘Response Able’

Recognize you cannot control another’s behavior, but you can affect their behavior by the way you respond to them.
Remember you control your own behavior and thoughts.

1. Keep things in perspective
a) Don’t sweat small stuff
b) Give it test of time
c) Ask if it’s happened before
d) Distinguish what can be changed from what can’t
e) Focus on haves vs. have nots

2. Have realistic expectations
a) Life is not fair or perfect
b) Bad (good) things happen, usually don’t last forever
c) Things don’t always go according to plan
d) People don’t always act as you’d like (remember EgoState explanations, people have ‘bad’ days, etc.)

Outcome

Transactional Analysis is effectively a language within a language; a language of true meaning, feeling and motive. It can help you in every situation, first, through being able to understand more clearly what is going on, and second, by virtue of this knowledge, we give ourselves choices of what EgoStates to adopt, which signals to send, and where to send them. This enables us to make the most of all our communications and therefore create, develop and maintain better relationships.

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